two months ago today i was on my way to my NOLS canyoneering course. I freaked out about the prospect of not seeing Xo for so many nights. I panicked. I started panicking tonight at the airport in Seattle. Right before my flight boarded. It is one thing to be in Seattle, it is not that far. it is another thing entirely to be in Fairbanks. Today, I head to Fairbanks then Saturday to the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge (ANWR) for 6 nights of hiking.
I am using the coping strategies I learned when I took my panic class so many years ago: no catastrophizing, mantras like: just because you are panicking doesn’t mean there is something to panic about, deep breathing, etc.
i am rereading my journal from Red Mountain about how my life felt like it was just about Javier and Xo and their needs and wants. And I don’t feel like that right now. I feel like I have things going in my life for me. For us. For her. I don’t want her to think I don’t do anything. That I am nobody. I want my daughter to know that I am somebody, that I was somebody, that I made something of myself. All of the things that I did before she was here or had a memory. And that I keep moving forward, because that is what one does.
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