Night 24: The Fog

Night 24/25

My hands have turned. Turned into outdoor hands. Hands that have not been washed by warm water, that have almost forgotten it exists outside of my mug. Dirt under all my fingernails, pronounced lines covering my hands despite regular hand washing. Despite heavy cream and salve. Dry, old.

All the other things at home have started to fall away from my mind, as if they were not ever part of home. And I do mean things, just the things.

Here, there is the tent, the boat, the ferrying of gear back and forth from the tent to the boat to the group tent. The breathing in deeply of the arctic air, the sea air. Hearing and seeing strange birds. Or familiar birds in strange places and situations. A swan on top of Pingo Raluk waddling back to its babies. That's it. It's right now. It's everything.

Just the same, this trip is not devoid of the rest of my life. I am not just getting used to this schedule. I am not wanting to stay up until 1:00a.m. to see things, animals, birds, the strangeness of the light in very early Arctic summer morning. I have been able to let go of so many things and concepts in my life, but I need sleep. I may be getting by with less of it the way the never ending light plays with my body clock, my sense of time, my wanting to be moving or up, but I am sleeping.

At this point in my life, enough sleep might be more rare than 3:00a.m. Arctic sunshine.

Tonight, the rest of my life that I have not left behind is the wanting to be with my daughter. I want to go hug her. I want to pick her up and play float like a butterfly...sting like a bee. I want to smell her, brush her hair, and be reassured watching her chest rise and fall while she is sleeping.

But then all there will be tomorrow will be my paddle. My paddle for 7 miles. Hoping I can feel my feet the entire day, attempting to mentally prepare for what it feels like when they are wooden after only a couple of hours.

I got up to pee in the middle of the night. The first fingers of fog were getting to our camp after crossing the lagoon. It could just be fog.